An open letter to that band you like:

Your music is derivative of every old band I can think of and you do nothing but meander over tired, reprocessed themes until they become so trite and banal that Jimmy Page will probably start rolling in his grave as soon as he's dead.

Everytime I see your band name on myspace or wherever, I cringe both out of fear of your success and just bitter, bitter denial that people really accept you at such a high level. I constantly find myself wracking my brain for a reason to your success and the only thing I can think of is that your music is safe.

Safety.

Safety is something people like. They like to feel as though they are being held and stroked, as opposed to shaken. Your bland blend of tasteless corporate bullshit rock is constantly playing out of any speaker that you can grip and people eat it up like it's some new sound that is going to redefine the world.

And don't tell me you aren't interested in redefining music, because I can tell based off of your music that you're not. The rehashing of 70's chord progressions with misplaced modifiers and even more poorly placed metaphors that don't stand for anything puts so many words in my mouth that I have to bite my tongue to hold them in.

If you want to see fury, you shoud look at this unrolled piece of flypaper sticking out of my mouth. You'll see every word I've wanted to scream at you over the past couple of years as your rise to stardom has continued, and they will all buzz futilely as they attempt to escape from the deadly trap that I set to stop myself from committing verbal murder.

And as I mull through this series of hateful, hateful thoughts over and over again in my mind. I ask myself, what about my band? Oh right, I don't have one and I don't have any music and I just can't stand the fact that someone is going out there and having fun playing lame music and I'm sitting at home at my laptop, trying to tear them down for it.

I still hold everything that I said to be true, I just wish I could match your incomprehensable noise with my own someday, and show you how I think music should be done and try my hand at changing the world.